Tag Archives: social anxiety

Back to the Grind!

For most of us, we’re back to work without a holiday in sight until at least February. After the various abbreviated work weeks since Thanksgiving, it feels like I’m staring across a desert, wishing for an oasis.

And I like my job…I just like being a hermit more. 

49145527_2393058737588236_947447653531123712_n

Adam would prefer if I stayed home every day.

It’s weird – sometimes I am at work, wishing I were home. Sometimes I’m home wishing I wasn’t – rather, at work, the store, the gym, whatever – because I begin feeling lonely and isolated. Loneliness is not a feeling I’ve ever really had to experience before. I like having time for myself and I am not uncomfortable with silence…but sometimes…sometimes, the loneliness feels like it’s pressing down on me. I can see how too much of it can really drive people to extreme despair.

The office I work at is one where you can be as social or as quiet as you like. No pressure to talk to anyone if you don’t want to. I find myself being more quiet than not ~ for instance, I think I’ve had maybe one conversation so far today with a co-worker and it’s going on 1 p.m.? The older I get, the more I realize how full most people’s lives are and how we all need our space in whatever form we can get it. We all have our own shit going on. I don’t like to interrupt with too many anecdotes about my life when likely they are completely meaningless to anyone else ~ to me, that’s just adding to the unnecessary “noise” that surrounds us all, distracting us from more important tasks. I guess you can say I’m minding my own damned business nowadays.

49196570_628372657581032_3751740231833878528_n

Mindin’ my business in my houndstooth pants and pleather jacket.

In case you were wondering what’s in the cage, here’s Chicken, who was desperately trying to get in on my selfie:
49342226_1224545224350052_8049504758429384704_n

But yes! Back to the work grind today for the near future. Day by day, chipping away at my goals for the month, while trying to not let my animals be my only social interactions on the weekends. I have to admit though, this semi-hermit life I live on the weekends has allowed me to learn things about myself I never knew and has provided the time to allow me to construct some pretty nifty goals. It’s nice not to feel like everything has to be a big rush all the time.

Wanna ride on my mood swing?

This has to be one of my favorite memes ever:

Mood-swing-2

I hate feeling out of control with my own mood swings. I know when I’m not myself and there isn’t really anything I can do but ride the wave and know better will come along because it always does.

Christmas Eve I went from fine to terribly sad in the span of around 15 minutes. Nothing monumental happened; all we did was go from one party to another. I found myself in a dark place – feeling like no one cared that I was there or alive. I felt like I was invisible. I was in someone else’s home and I knew very few people there. The hosts were too busy for introductions and the party had already been underway for a couple of hours by the time we arrived. It’s one thing to be a content wallflower, it’s another to feel like a ghost around the vibrantly alive and bustling busy-ness. So I got quiet and very much into my own thoughts, feeling very much like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time – the wrong life at the wrong time.

Because I’m one that needs to be able to pinpoint why I feel the way I do at certain times, I can only contribute it to the chaos of the holidays when it comes to visiting and trying to please everyone, the pressure of trying to get it all done, my medication, PMS, need for sleep, and junk food. I like trying to trace the “why” when it comes to my emotions and reactions in order to try to learn from them; I try to discern patterns and see where I can try to “let go” of either unrealistic expectations of myself or others. But sometimes a good, cleansing cry is needed without the worry of judgment from anyone. So that is what I gave myself when I got home – a good, ugly cry.

After I cleared that all out, Theresa and I put all the gifts under the tree and I had a little fun on Jake’s little electric 4-wheeler. Because that’s what you do when you have kids – you let out whatever it is in private so you don’t scare them and then you get your shit together to make sure they have a nice Christmas.

I personally think my fleece snazzy Christmas pants make my interpretation a little bit better than the original.

In summation, I wonder if sometimes I don’t, if we don’t, try to stifle our emotions in order to appear like we are on an even, steady keel. I don’t know how many times I have heard judgments from people (behind my back, of course!) about how I’m “all over the place” when it comes to my lifestyle and my hobbies. If I’m faced with judgment for those things, you’re damned certain the thought flickers across my mind when I show an emotion that varies from your basic happy or content. I don’t let myself get too involved with perceptions of me but it is a thought that races by when I have a bad day and want to throw a tantrum. Oh, gosh – what will they think of me? Will they think I’m unhinged? 

Who cares. We’re all a bit unhinged – some of us just let it all out and move on, while others hold it in and eventually explode.