Tag Archives: mood swings

Edgy and Tired

If the title of this blog gives any sort of indication as to what the tone will be – I’ll give you two guesses.

It’s Tuesday, which means it’s really “Monday” for me. I am beyond aggravated, annoyed, frustrated, and fed the fuck up. This fed-upness started yesterday after various conversations with people that just left me feeling mentally and emotionally drained. Maybe I’m getting too used to this work-from-home atmosphere where the annoyances are my stepkids and their constant bickering and messiness – that’s the only drama I’ve been dealing with for going on two and a half weeks. I spend even less time on social media and entertaining conversations online because I just can’t take it.

I normally have a very low tolerance for blatant attention-seeking and drama but right now? Trying to fit even a little bit of that in under the circumstances is not even possible.

I’m not in the mood to have any sort of “deep” or “meaningful” conversations because it feels draining to me. I don’t want to talk COVID-19 24/7, nor read the news or other various articles about it. I don’t want to talk about my feelings about everything or make up scenarios in order to put meaning into things that may have none.

Guess what? I’m over here, grateful to have my job but unsure if I will even have it a week from now because everything changes so quickly – it’s like a dance that nobody knows the choreography to – and get my typical spring shit going (a/k/a garden!). I guess I am more focused on slogging through the muck that seems to be the state of life right now, hopeful for a return of a back-to-normal soon. Although I will tell you what – once things do go back to some sort of normal, I will be saving my money a lot more diligently.

Unpublished Drafts & Forecast for 2020

Wednesday was a shitty, shitty day – 90% of it being allllll me, which makes it even worse. There’s 24-48 hours every month where I’m foaming at the mouth and well, there ya go. I wrote a blog that day but didn’t finish it, nor publish it. Why? Because when I’m in that mode I have nothing good to say. Everything is amplified and while I know this about myself, to a reader, you’d think I went off the deep end only to return the next day perfectly fine.

I don’t always publish everything I write because it isn’t always productive.

Goodbye

I don’t subscribe to the “New Year – New Me” bullshit. So I expect next year to be much of the same that this year was with everything, except I will not have a Facebook any longer for personal or professional use. I will still remain on Pinterest and Instagram (here’s my non-business one, too), and, of course, on Etsy (until I get my ass in gear and create my own website).

I want to cut back on my social media-ness and focus on the platforms I enjoy using. Maybe that’s my general forecast for 2020 – why do shit I don’t like? Why take things I don’t need into a brand new decade?

Another thing I’d like to leave behind is my random spending habits. Although I started reigning in my spending this month (actually going as far as deeming it “no spend” in my calendar book as my goal), I’d like to take that mindset into the new year with me. I had a big, big BIG November, resulting in an equally BIG credit card bill. While it’s all being paid off, quite a bit of the purchases were impulsive and all that did was take me a bit further from the goal of renovating the downstairs bathroom.

I guess I want things to be simpler. Wish –> Plan –> Achieve Goal. The end.

Instead of… Wish –> Plan –> Get Distracted –> Side Quest –> Wish –> Re-think Plan –> Stress –> Achieve Nothing.

I don’t have a lot planned for this weekend coming up but I’m looking forward to it, nonetheless. Tomorrow morning I will be heading out to my hometown for a craft fair with my mom and sister. I’m pretty excited about that because the past two years I participated in this same show but this year I decided not to. It’ll be my first year where I can just go and browse and enjoy it as a visitor with my family, not as a vendor.

I don’t know how long that day will be but I hope to visit the Schenectady Trading Company that evening for an art show to support a local artist and…then…Sunday will be all for me. I want to make these Zero Waste Toilet Fizzies for no other reason than I enjoy making my own household cleaners and trying different things.  A co-worker lent me a small silicone ice cube tray that is in the shape of pineapples. They’re super cute and I hope this tutorial works (and I also hope that I can find citric acid somewhere local).

Wanna ride on my mood swing?

This has to be one of my favorite memes ever:

Mood-swing-2

I hate feeling out of control with my own mood swings. I know when I’m not myself and there isn’t really anything I can do but ride the wave and know better will come along because it always does.

Christmas Eve I went from fine to terribly sad in the span of around 15 minutes. Nothing monumental happened; all we did was go from one party to another. I found myself in a dark place – feeling like no one cared that I was there or alive. I felt like I was invisible. I was in someone else’s home and I knew very few people there. The hosts were too busy for introductions and the party had already been underway for a couple of hours by the time we arrived. It’s one thing to be a content wallflower, it’s another to feel like a ghost around the vibrantly alive and bustling busy-ness. So I got quiet and very much into my own thoughts, feeling very much like I was in the wrong place at the wrong time – the wrong life at the wrong time.

Because I’m one that needs to be able to pinpoint why I feel the way I do at certain times, I can only contribute it to the chaos of the holidays when it comes to visiting and trying to please everyone, the pressure of trying to get it all done, my medication, PMS, need for sleep, and junk food. I like trying to trace the “why” when it comes to my emotions and reactions in order to try to learn from them; I try to discern patterns and see where I can try to “let go” of either unrealistic expectations of myself or others. But sometimes a good, cleansing cry is needed without the worry of judgment from anyone. So that is what I gave myself when I got home – a good, ugly cry.

After I cleared that all out, Theresa and I put all the gifts under the tree and I had a little fun on Jake’s little electric 4-wheeler. Because that’s what you do when you have kids – you let out whatever it is in private so you don’t scare them and then you get your shit together to make sure they have a nice Christmas.

I personally think my fleece snazzy Christmas pants make my interpretation a little bit better than the original.

In summation, I wonder if sometimes I don’t, if we don’t, try to stifle our emotions in order to appear like we are on an even, steady keel. I don’t know how many times I have heard judgments from people (behind my back, of course!) about how I’m “all over the place” when it comes to my lifestyle and my hobbies. If I’m faced with judgment for those things, you’re damned certain the thought flickers across my mind when I show an emotion that varies from your basic happy or content. I don’t let myself get too involved with perceptions of me but it is a thought that races by when I have a bad day and want to throw a tantrum. Oh, gosh – what will they think of me? Will they think I’m unhinged? 

Who cares. We’re all a bit unhinged – some of us just let it all out and move on, while others hold it in and eventually explode.