Tag Archives: Life Lessons

Reap what you sow.

I’ve hit another really busy patch of life. Work is pretty busy and so is my real life. I felt super stressed on Monday, which may be why I wrote such a clipped blog post. I needed to get something out, so I did! I also went home and furiously biked for a half hour and I felt a lot better. Yup – I’m still on my Peloton kick.

I’m feeling proud of myself! We’ve had the bike since mid-October and I’ve been using it regularly since, steadily increasing the frequency of my workouts. I’ve never been able to stick with working out from home until now.

2020 is the year of reaping what I sow. Since 2017, my life has been pretty challenging, but that’s what happens when you leave a “dream” job, get a divorce, lose people you thought were friends, lose a beloved animal, fall in love with a woman, come out to your conservative parents, handle a conservative parent on the other side, adjust to having stepchildren, go back to a former job, buy another house, move, start a new job, get married, realize you aren’t as amazing or unique as you thought you were, learn some humility, almost lose your dad, mentally handle a mother’s cancer diagnosis, start a couple of small businesses, fail a lot…

[I tried to put that all in some sort of chronological order but so many things were happening at once, it’s probably not right.]

So, the past 3 years have solidly been a lot of hard work. Good things happened in there too, but it was a lot of struggling. So here I am in 2020 and I feel like despite the fact that we recently just lost someone (Theresa’s grandmother passed away on 1/25 – she was 98), things are really headed in the right direction this year.

Financial things are getting sorted; my mom starts immunotherapy next month. I’m learning new art techniques and am having a lot of fun with that.

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I’m fully embracing my entrance into my late thirties.

I just finished the above candle and am really proud of it and excited about finally learning how to cut bottles after years of wanting to.

This candle is made from a wine bottle that I cut, sanded, then painted. The lightbulb was made from a worn out pair of jeans and a piece of a faux leather skirt. It’s surrounded in teal twine because I’m kind of obsessed with that twine right now. So, not only am I working on my glass cutting skills, I am also simultanously learning how to make candles and dye the wax whatever colors I need. I chose a light blue for this candle and kept it unscented because I’m a bit intimidated by choosing fragrances. My focus is more on the outside of the candle – the actual decoration of it. I’d hate to put so much work into it and have someone love it, but ultimately pass it up because it’s a scent they either dislike or are allergic to. It just feels safer to keep them unscented.

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A plant hanger I made for a friend’s daughter recently.

I also recently learned that the “dream” job I left in 2017 so I could focus on my life  which was unnecessarily dramatic and mean-spirited behind my back afterwards is apparently shutting its doors next month. I normally hate to be all petty and whatever but I am enjoying this.  It’s refreshing. That’s what you get for slinging mud – eventually it gets on you.

Maybe that’s why I had such a troubling 2017 ~  I was owed for past behaviors and actions. I can tell you I’ve been much more careful and considerate since then. Not perfect…but more aware…and am hoping that maybe that’s why things finally feel like they’re headed in a steadily good direction. All that work and hardships of the past few years is starting to noticeably pay off.

Things to Leave Behind in 2019 – Apologizing for Taking Up Space and Seeking Validation

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On the first day of January I learned that (1) even a half cup of half-calf coffee is too much for my system and will keep me up all night long; (2) too much caffeine makes me super edgy, irritable and obsessive; and (3) I’m still seeking validation from my parents in many ways.

I’m 36 and I’m unsure why I still crave for my parents to be like “good job” ~ “we’re proud of you”. It drives me a batty when Emma (who’s 10) draws one line on a piece of paper and asks me if she’s doing a good job…meanwhile I’m still doing this same thing as an adult, just with a bit more subtlety (so I’d like to think).

Should people really be looking for validation from others for anything? I can’t be the only one who finds themselves seeking this; seeking to be seen and recognized in some way. Is it just me or is it the nature of many? Is it how I was raised; was I missing something crucial? Or was I just born this way?

I hover on the outskirts of many social situations; tending to want to be alone. I like the quiet of home and it’s regular duties that keep me busy. I don’t like being chore-ridden all the time but I do enjoy feeling like I’m helping our household along. It just feels easy to dismiss someone who’s grown quiet as someone who’s become dull or boring. Sometimes I fear that in myself – that I’ve lost my spark, my spunk, my charisma. That’s just my outward persona ~ a lot of shit excites me inside. I keep a lot of it to myself.

On the outside, I’ve become more reserved and more apt to apologize for being; for taking up spaceNo one should ever apologize for this and whenever Emma does it, I correct her. She doesn’t need to grow into an adult that says “sorry” a thousand times a day for simply being and breathing. Nor do I want her to seek constant validation from others on whether she’s doing a good job; I want her to know because whatever it is makes her soul sing.

I sent my mom pictures of my rag rug progress and her only response indicated she thinks it’s ugly. My feelings felt hurt but yes, I know it’s ugly right now! (lol) Maybe when it’s all done it’ll still be ugly. Sometimes I just want to make things to hone in on a skill or simply to enjoy the process of it. In the case of the start of the weaving of this very eclectic rag rug, it’s to do both. It satisfies my need for busy hands and I’m learning how to do it (without a tutorial). But why would I care if someone called it ugly or not? It’s not like I’m making it on commission for them or even as a gift for them. 

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My creations are not going to be everyone’s taste. So, I acknowledge my mother’s opinion initially hurt my feelings but it also gave me something to think about. An opportunity to grow as a confident, secure adult.  

Deep down I know a lot of people don’t understand (or care to) why I do a lot of things and that it’s okay; my life ~ my journey. But in moments of weakness I do find it super easy to lean into the opinions of others to seek some sort of validation as to me being a good person, a smart person, a talented person. That shit needs to stay back in 2019. There’s no place for that in 2020.