Tag Archives: anxiety

A new schedule is beginning!

I will be starting my bachelor’s program at Purdue University Global on June 10th. Due to that, I am going to have to reconsider my schedule and budget my time better so that I can still do things that I enjoy (this blog, for example!) but not stress myself out to the max trying to do everything without some sort of timeframe barrier. So, starting next week, I will be blogging once per week on Sundays.

The other night I was working on my pre-orientation homework, as my live orientation takes place on Tuesday evening. I have to say, I’m a bit nervous about my education taking place solely online; when I graduated college in 2003, I was going to a school. I had school textbooks and an hour commute each way. Online learning is the way of the future – even if we weren’t under quarantine.

Thursday evening I was trying to get it all together and realized my Microsoft Office 365 wasn’t downloaded properly. That threw me for a loop after a very busy day and I should’ve called it quits after solving that problem (which honestly didn’t get resolved until today – “user error”), but I forged on for another two hours trying to review items and submit answers to quizzes…all while feeling more and more discouraged by the minute. I will need to be more mindful of my brain telling me its had enough because I was burnt out and I probably didn’t learn as much as I could have if I had started fresh.

I finished up my pre-orientation duties today and it felt much easier. I went into it not frustrated, not exhausted, not feeling like I was in a hurry to be anywhere. The school’s website seemed intuitive instead of confusing. Basically, it was the total opposite experience that I had the other night. It left me feeling like “Okay, I got this!” instead of “What the fuck did I sign myself up for?!”

So, I get to relax the rest of this 3-day weekend and I’m so grateful for that! I am working on boosting up my macramé plant hangers for my Mercari shop, as I’ve sold 6 this week, leaving only 1 left in my online shop. I have made 5 between yesterday and today and will be making a few more. Then it will be the measuring, picture taking, and listing of each one.

Although I love making them, I don’t know how I will make them and do my school work. So I’m going to finish up with all of the cording I have and then see what I can do. I have made a nice little chunk of change by making these and selling unneeded items online and I will miss that little extra income. That little extra income is helping put an invisible fence around our yard for our dogs.

Anyway, I am happy that I waited so long to go back to school. When I went to school the first time, right out of high school, I didn’t give two shits about it. I was tired of 13 years of school already. I’m ready to give it my all this time. So that will be my priority, behind my family and my current job as a paralegal.

On another note, which doesn’t really have anything directly to do with the above, I realized something this morning: Depression and anxiety haven’t reared their ugly heads in a while. I don’t know if it’s the beautiful weather, a better eating and exercise routine, a caffeine-free lifestyle, or a mixture of all of the above. I feel like I am embarking on this new adventure in the best mind-space I could possible be in.

I’ve [temporarily] run out of things to say!

In the spirit of that, this blog post should be completely blank. It won’t be though. Writing gives me a chance to think through what it is I really want to say ~ much easier than having an on-the-spot discussion.

My anxiety at the beginning of the week was something to behold. My wife asked me if I felt I should talk to someone or go see my doctor because I’ve expressed my extreme anxiety a number of times over the past month. The problem is that I am very resistent to this – not because of feeling any sort of shame or embarassment, I just don’t think it’s time for me to medically address it. I know that I haven’t been taking care of myself the way I should be. My sleep patterns have been interrupted due to too much caffeine, sugar, overall too much not-good-for-me stuff. I haven’t been drinking enough water. All the things combined heighten my anxiety and that impacts sleep and sleep impacts how I feel about everything in life. It’s a cycle.

So to break that, this week I’ve been drinking a LOT of water. I mean a lot. I may as well move my office into the bathroom. I’ve been eating more fruits and veggies. I’ve continued to meditate using the Headspace app. I’ve also been quieter; feeling like I have less to say. I’ve been actively avoiding chatter – responding a bit less to messages and overall just sitting with my own thoughts. It’s nice actually. I’ve felt a bit more peaceful over the past 48 hours.

I also came to realize that maybe not all my wishes need to be goals. Would I truly be satisfied with having my Etsy shop be my main source of income in the future, or would I end up feeling pressured to create? Chained? Unable to get away and take a vacation with my family? Would I ever make enough money to feel comfortable and happy? I honestly don’t know – but these are important things to consider. My first waking thought on Tuesday morning (after a FABULOUS night’s sleep) was: Not every hobby has to be a career path. Not every venture has to be a money-making endeavor. Some things may be meant to be simply fun and expressive. I’ll take that as a sign to keep the pressure off. Not everything has to be actively pressed forward with a sense of urgency. Things move when they move, change when they’re meant to, and stop when it’s time.

Maybe meditation has been helping.

“Anxiety – the sane and the insane rivalry”

Oh, my achin’….anxiety.

It’s been kicked the EFF UP the past few weeks (off and on, but mostly on). Sometimes I cannot pinpoint the cause of my anxiety; in this case I can point in the direction it’s coming from but can’t state what, within that, is exactly causing it. It remains to be seen. It’s all work, too. It’s all about my job – which is strange because up until a few weeks ago, work was the least stressful thing in my life.

But things have shifted.

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It’s ridiculous.

We all have a lot of work to do and the vibes are just wrong. Laying in bed at night has me dreading the work day…I haven’t felt that way about a job in YEARS. But I just find myself wanting to focus more on doing and less typing. More picking vegetables, more cooking and preserving (which in the past few years I’ve not done, really), more creating art, more cleaning and organizing. More decluttering. More…MORE life, less papers and e-mails.

I want to go back to this feeling:

Chillin’ and enjoying life by the moment.

I am exhausted from fighting clients that I’m trying to help…that hired us TO HELP…on top of a large workload. I wish people would stop and consider that they are one of over 100 files I am working on and that I take what I do very seriously. I don’t half-ass it; I want to see it through and see it all done correctly. I’m good at what I do and I do like it – it’s an area of law I find interesting. But man, so many argumentative, difficult people recently has me wondering what the purpose of everything is anyway. People have over-complicated everything, even the stuff that happens after we die and often lack appreciation for the people that help us navigate through it.

It’ll all get better ~ something has to give. I’m not even sure if my feelings of anxiety are all mine – I could very well be picking up on the feelings of others. I just want to feel better again. More calm and at peace again…and not just for a moment. Like, continuous moments. So, for that, I re-downloaded the Headspace app a few days ago and, every night, I’ve been meditating for 10 minutes before bed. It’s helped so far calm me down enough to fall asleep at a decent time but last night it was no good, which is expected. It takes practice and re-training of the brain. I’ll get there.

‘Tis the most stressful time of the year.

I just had a conversation with another paralegal in my office, Jen, that evolved into some insights into the holiday season, the stress it causes us, and perhaps some of the cause of my own personal stress and anxiety.

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As soon as snow hits…I am ALL about Christmas. Even if it’s before Thanksgiving – my mind begins turning. Worse so, when I begin seeing social media posts about how many Fridays there are until Christmas. Up goes the anxiety.

I want to say that I’m all peace, love, and fresh-baked cookies around the holidays, but I am not. I get excited to put up a Christmas tree only to be immediately reminded that the needles fall and it has to be watered frequently, not to mention all of the holiday decorations have to come out in boxes and totes to live in my living room for an unknown period of time.

Clutter makes me crazy. I had a mini breakdown about it last night – I just cannot think straight, relax, or feel like I can even breathe freely if there is too much clutter around me. The idea of all the Christmas wrappings strewn over the floor on Christmas day makes me twitchy, despite knowing it’s just one day – one magical day.

When you have kids, the holiday feels like it needs to be hyped up and made super special for them. Letters to Santa, decorating the house, Christmas crafts, circling toys and creating wish-lists…are parents putting too much pressure on themselves?

The holiday season also makes me reflect on what I’ve accomplished during the year and if I am where I want to be – where I should be. What do I want to get done next year? How can I make it happen?

It’s just the end of the year ~ 2018 is winding down. It’s frigid in Upstate New York and we’ve had more rain and dark skies this season than I think we ever have. Perhaps that’s why it feels like my depression medicine isn’t working lately. I could use more outdoor time – time in the sun (even if it’s cold). Likely we all could.