Despite a week that felt very adversarial and difficult, I feel motivated to move forward. I had to force myself to do things I said I’d do but then didn’t want to do when it came down to it and I was pretty damned proud that I pushed through the “blahs”.

I stuck to my to-do list, for the most part, and that kept things held together in the emotionally chaotic week. I missed out on bike riding and regimented exercising this weekend, instead, focusing on writing kick-ass papers for school, reading, going to the pools with the kids, Jake’s birthday party, and relaxing. Soon we will be headed to my sister’s house for a going away BBQ for my nephew. He’s headed to Kuwait for the next year – he is in the military.

I don’t know – there’s just so much going on. Last week we didn’t get great news for my mother’s cancer (getting worse; immunotherapy did not work), the realization my nephew’s leaving and the hope he’ll come back, ornery clients at work, keeping my grades up, my wife’s work stress and the stress that puts on our family and relationship…

This week was just full of suckage.

But this weekend was nice. I even made time to complete a small task that was not a priority (as lately it feels like only priority tasks are getting done).

My wife brought home two small baby tears plants and I fashioned a recycled coffee tin into a planter. Now they both live here 🙂 I also made the plant hanger from natural cording and patterned wooden beads.

It felt nice to take a break from paying attention to the things that are on fire in life and create something useful, but not really necessary, for our home.

I hope that this week is better than the last.

As of this evening, I am registered into my two first classes at college – Ethics and Interpersonal Communication. They fit best into the time frames I need for my live online seminars. I am excited and a tiny, tiny bit nervous because I haven’t been to school since 2003…do the math. Do I even know how to student anymore?

So every day I’ve been chipping away at the getting ready to go back to college thing. Whether it’s applying for financial aide, discussing my current credits and what I need to do in order to get my bachelor’s, to scheduling classes, to applying for scholarships, getting supplies (I LOVE NOTEBOOKS!) – I’ve been taking it one task at a time; spreading it all out so it’s not lumped into one stressful day. I mean, day to day live without school can be hard enough. I am ridiculously busy at work ~ there is not enough time in the day to make it all happen but I continue to try.

At home, I feel like I haven’t been as mentally present. Too many moving parts on my end and on Theresa’s. My wife’s been kicking some serious ASS in getting our garden together this year. She built this amazing strawberry stand out of 2×6 wood and gutters so that the strawberries grow in the gutters and hang over the sides for easy picking. She’s put together, with the help of her brother and dad, a greenhouse. She’s purchased a bed for our spare bedroom, making it ready for guests when the COVID is over (or for our own nap times). We’ve sold things, decluttered, re-organized…when I say “we”, more “her”. So while I’ve been focused on preparing for school and maintaining healthy eating habits (for the most part), an exercise routine, and a busy Mercari shop…she’s been working on things that will better and benefit our family. I have been more focused on, I guess, bettering me. Which I hope, in turn, will better all of us.

Life, man. I was telling a co-worker – a kooky dude named Stefan – that I feel like I’ve lived a number of lifetimes to get to where I am today. He can relate and has had some interesting parts of his life, too, before becoming an attorney. He used to test snowboards, make ice cream, count the money in those armored trucks…maybe that’s why I am beginning to like him. He doesn’t seem like someone who knew what he wanted to do from the moment he could walk – I like people who have done different and weird things to get to where they are today. Although I haven’t strayed too far from the law (a two year stint at a gym), my style of life has changed a lot since leaving high school. I can relate, you know? To people who dabbled in this or that before settling into something adultish. Even thought I think the people who dabble forever are just as interesting. I guess people who are HAPPY with who they are and what they are doing are just super interesting to me.

At least for me. It’s been a hot second since I’ve taken the time to blog ~ I’ve been SO busy with various things.

I am blessed that I continue to work full time without issue. On top of that, I’ve had steady sales from my Mercari shop and have even expanded to depop. Success has been with Mercari so far this quarantine-season and I’m grateful for it. The goal is to sell $1,200 of excess items and handmade goods so I can purchase a new shower for our downstairs bathroom, as that bathroom is declining pretty rapidly.

Affording a contractor may be out of our budget at this point so we will likely try to do as much of things as we can – but will obviously be saving the plumbing work and electrical work for the experts. But knocking down walls, tearing things out, putting a new tile floor in and the tile on the shower walls? We got that.

Plus the goal is just to keep busy and not fall into a funk.

So there is no additional time for me – I do not have hours of time that is suddenly undelegated. That’s also just my personality; I like to be moving forward.

In the spirit of moving forward, I am also in the process of getting ready to go back to college and obtain my bachelor’s degree. I am going to continue my legal education, ya’ll! I might as well, I mean, I’m good at it and I’ve seen some of these attorneys out there…some don’t give a shit, some fall asleep in meetings…I can do better. I will do better, years from now.

I’ve had a hell of a week.

A week ago today was my wife’s grandmother’s funeral. Clementina DiCocco was 98 years old and was largely independent up until the turn of the year. Her passing was as peaceful as it could be and it was surrounded by her loved ones. We should all be so lucky to reach her age and live the way she did – on her own and on her own terms. I grieve for those she left behind because even though she lived a very long life, her family is now entering into chapters of their lives that do not include her.

Monday and Tuesday my sister and I went to Manhattan to visit my parents and to attend some doctor’s appointments for my mother’s upcoming new treatments (a different chemotherapy and the beginning of her immunotherapy). The doctors seemed very optimistic and matter-of-fact about the procedure and it’s side effects; I can’t help but feel very positive about everything. It’s a relief; part of the appointments were to scan and evaluate her cancer to see if anything had changed. Even though we didn’t really discuss it, likely I wasn’t the only one wondering if things had gotten worse – too worse for the immunotherapy. Luckily, that wasn’t the case. I swear, even though cancer’s a shit stick no matter what, I can’t help but feel like my mother has been blessed in all of the ways she could be despite having it.

Upon returning to the area, my scratchy throat had gotten worse and it became more evident that it wasn’t just an allergy (as Sunday I had swept the basement and stirred up quite a bit of dust), but something more. I worked about 4 hours on Wednesday before a fever came on that Tylenol didn’t touch brought me home and right to bed. Since then, life’s been a bit of a feverish blur. Yay for the flu and no; I didn’t have a flu shot. I’ve actually never have had one but I think I will do it next cold season.

I’m worried that I exposed my mom to it; had I have known it was something more than an allergy I would have postponed my trip. I’m glad though that she wasn’t at her most vulnerable state. I can’t tell my dad how sick I was because I worry that next time I want to visit, he will question what type of germs I may bring down with me when I am normally a very healthy person. I get one good knock-down, drag-out sickness a year and apparently this is it.

I’m also worried about the mounting workload at the office because I was out for 3 days and then an unexpected 2 and a half days more. I’ll be going back in to some irritated clients; confused as to why I haven’t gotten back to them when I am normally very prompt. I am trying to shake the fucks off about this but it’s hard – I care about people and I care about what I do.

Today I feel well enough to be in my craft room using my desktop, soaking up the heat from the space heater and watching some Netflix. It’s a change of scenery from the couch or my bed, as that’s all I’ve really seen the past 48 hours. I don’t know if I am actually up to working on anything but just being in a different room of my house feels a bit refreshing.

I will share some of the things I have finished and posted recently though!

Serene Hanging Sea Glass Bottle – Click HERE 

Lotus Flower and Newsprint Lighted Bottle – Click HERE

This was created from the bottom of the Serene Hanging Sea Glass Bottle shown above.

The flower is from a ladies’ vintage clip on earring.

This I made specifically for the Schenectady Trading Company; it will be available there tomorrow!

No matter how I am feeling tomorrow, I have to get out of the house for a bit. Even if it’s just for an hour or two. I plan on going to the Schenectady Trading Company to change out some inventory and if I can go to work for a bit to push out some work that’d be great, too.

Holy moly though, does my head ache. Moving my head, looking from side to side…my eyeballs feel like they are being pushed out of my skull. Adam’s really enjoyed having me around though. He has been my constant companion. That, and a glass of cold water.

I’ve been disappointed in many social interactions. So many of them seem fake and forced; as if the other person can’t even wait for me to answer their question before speaking over me.

Seriously, much of the time I feel like I’m nothing more than a sounding board for someone else’s desire to hear their own voice. It’s a lot of the reason why I don’t go out of my way anymore. I have a full plate and others do too; I don’t really want to be an ear for someone who can’t or won’t be one back. I’m all about reciprocation.

I don’t want false friendships and relationships. It’s give and take.

I don’t want small talk.

I’m done asking people how they are and about their lives when they can’t even be bothered to ask about mine. I mean, that seems like a really strong hint, right? It’s a hint of a non-friendship and I don’t need to be the one who pulls people away from the wall. I don’t need to go out of my way to keep things friendly and copacetic. That’s not my job; I don’t get paid extra for it.