I’ve found myself in a place of mourning over the past couple of weeks. The word “mourning” just hit me as I tried to find a good word to describe this unsettled, depressed feeling that has been clinging on to me more often than not recently.
I mourn losses I’ve had. Above is a picture of FeeBee, who passed away in 2017. While I have two awesome dogs now, I still have times of grief. FeeBee was my true dog-soulmate and the connections I have with Adam and Cassie are different. Maybe it’s also that FeeBee was my constant through so much turmoil from age 19 through 34.
As strange as it sounds, I mourn my first marriage. Not because of him; I do not wish I was still in that marriage. There’s just that feeling of not living up to a promise I made. I had a chat with my sister about it recently and she has similar feelings about her first marriage and that was over with two and a half decades ago. It’s not the person we miss but it’s the overall feeling of a serious promise made that was not possible to keep.
I mourn normalcy – a status-quo. In my last blog post, I mentioned we received crappy news related to my mom. The news then was that the immunotherapy had not worked; actually, two tumors are a bit larger and a couple more have appeared. Since then, we have also had the results of a biopsy of a spot found in her cervix, necessitating a hysterectomy in the next week or two.
I mourn peace. I am a person who needs space, solitude, and quiet and I don’t get a lot of that. My teeth are starting to itch. My house is chaotic between the people and animals living in it. When I try to escape to a room to have a moment to myself, there is usually a small hand rapping at the door within a couple of minutes. Then there’s the constant picking up because children are little garbage-monsters who cannot see the debris they leave behind.
I mourn the loss of significant crafting time due to school and adult responsibilities. ((sigh))
In happier news ~ because I do always want to be cognizant of the good going on ~ I am currently in week 9 of 10 in my first term at college. My current average is a 99.33%, so I would say I’m doing pretty excellent! As long as I don’t blow it for my final assignments and exam, I should end it right about there. I wish I felt proud – instead, I wonder if my professors are taking it easy, knowing it’s my first time back in college since 2003. I am looking forward to a week break before I take my next set of classes, which will be English Comp 1 and Intro to Law.
I have been making significant headway recently with my on-going project of decluttering my space and closet. I’m nowhere near done, but I have not given up! I have not just been focusing my closet either. I have been going through crafting supplies that I’ve collected or that have been donated to me over the past year or so and making decisions on whether or not such items will actually be used anytime in the near future. An honest reflection of it is often a “no”, so things are making their way to the recycle bin. If COVID wasn’t such a large concern, I’d just have a yard sale.
Lastly, tomorrow night I am taking the wife out on a date to Mexican Radio ~ which is our favorite local Mexican restaurant. We haven’t been since before the pandemic and we are in need of delicious food and margaritas! Not to mention just sitting and enjoying each other’s company with nowhere else to be, nowhere else to go.