Last week was hard. My mom told me that her immunotherapy is going to happen in February and that for February and March her and my dad will be in NYC. I wasn’t expecting it to affect me the way it did; a lot of the time I pretend that my mom’s cancer and her treatment isn’t happening. It’s easy for me to do because I have a life that keeps me very physically and mentally busy and my sister has been doing the transportation to the treatments and a lot of things that I’m likely not even aware of. Plus, she visits with my parents a few times a week in Cambridge; I’m just not able to do so.
I don’t say this a lot out loud to people but I feel like a failure a lot of the time because of this. Because I don’t go visit my family every weekend. Because I don’t press either of them on what’s going on, how it is all going, and urge them to do this or that. We have a lot of fluffy conversations about all sorts of things. I mean, it’s not as if I don’t ask how they’re feeling or how they feel about a treatment method…I just am not very aggressive with my questioning. I don’t know if either of my parents have a Will or if Medicaid has gone through. I feel I appear apathetic to it all and I’m certainly not. But any sort of advice or insight I’ve offered from the get-go has fallen on what feels like deaf ears and it’s really defeating. I’m not a little girl anymore; I don’t know everything but I also know some things. My parents seem to take my sister’s advice over anything I have to offer so I tend to just keep it to myself, asking them how certain decisions make them feel. Are they okay with the plan. I guess I’ve just been doing the emotional check-ups and not the logistical ones.
Time is so precious and it’s in such short supply. Yet, I can’t seem to break away from the things I need to do every weekend to carve that visiting time with my parents every weekend. I don’t know how I can pack more into my weekday routines without driving myself insane. Although I’m not truly responsible for the care of my stepchildren when my wife’s home, I like being a part of their nightly routines. Our dinners at the table every night with a home-cooked meal. Telling them “good night, turds!” and then crawling into my own bed, tired from the work day and all that entails, feeling like I could’ve or should’ve done more ~ played fetch with Adam, mopped the kitchen floor. I just feel like there’s not enough time in my adult life now to get it all done. Shit’s too hectic and there’s too much to manage.
This weekend was a shitty one. I didn’t get good sleep at all on Friday or Saturday nights; I was up at 5:45 a.m. both days, anxious. That’s what I’ve been. Super anxious, worried, and sad. I worry about where my parents’ Air BNB will be in the city; how much it’ll cost them; if they’ll get lonely, overwhelmed, robbed, hurt. Will they have enough money to eat? Will they feel safe to walk their dog? Coupled with Theresa’s grandmother at the point where she cannot live in her home alone anymore and the heartache I can feel coming from Theresa and her family…there’s just a whole lot of sadness and uncertainty flying about. It sticks to me like fly paper when I haven’t slept. I’m all knotted up and ready to cry at any second.
It’s not how I want to start another work week. This week we have our annual reviews and I need to be ready for that and the cuntiness that some clients have been flinging my way now since the New Year. So many people don’t seem to realize that kindness goes a long way and that they hired us; why argue over every single detail and be combative? If you know what you’re doing, then why did you hire an attorney? Sit down – this is what we do for a living. And the thing is, too – we’re all fighting some sort of battle. When I call someone, even if I’m MAD, I don’t mistreat the person over the phone. I don’t speak down to them or tell them how to do their jobs. I’m amazed at how much shit has been flung at me lately from people who have no idea how close I feel right now to snapping.
I could use a strong dose of positivity. There’s plenty of people on social media who post non-stop inspirational shit and I’ve perused through it. It all screams false ~ fake ~ contrived for internet points. I can’t buy into the inauthenticity of it all right now so I don’t know who or what to follow to get my mind back on a better track. Perhaps I should just start with a good night’s sleep.