Things to Leave Behind in 2019 – Apologizing for Taking Up Space and Seeking Validation

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On the first day of January I learned that (1) even a half cup of half-calf coffee is too much for my system and will keep me up all night long; (2) too much caffeine makes me super edgy, irritable and obsessive; and (3) I’m still seeking validation from my parents in many ways.

I’m 36 and I’m unsure why I still crave for my parents to be like “good job” ~ “we’re proud of you”. It drives me a batty when Emma (who’s 10) draws one line on a piece of paper and asks me if she’s doing a good job…meanwhile I’m still doing this same thing as an adult, just with a bit more subtlety (so I’d like to think).

Should people really be looking for validation from others for anything? I can’t be the only one who finds themselves seeking this; seeking to be seen and recognized in some way. Is it just me or is it the nature of many? Is it how I was raised; was I missing something crucial? Or was I just born this way?

I hover on the outskirts of many social situations; tending to want to be alone. I like the quiet of home and it’s regular duties that keep me busy. I don’t like being chore-ridden all the time but I do enjoy feeling like I’m helping our household along. It just feels easy to dismiss someone who’s grown quiet as someone who’s become dull or boring. Sometimes I fear that in myself – that I’ve lost my spark, my spunk, my charisma. That’s just my outward persona ~ a lot of shit excites me inside. I keep a lot of it to myself.

On the outside, I’ve become more reserved and more apt to apologize for being; for taking up spaceNo one should ever apologize for this and whenever Emma does it, I correct her. She doesn’t need to grow into an adult that says “sorry” a thousand times a day for simply being and breathing. Nor do I want her to seek constant validation from others on whether she’s doing a good job; I want her to know because whatever it is makes her soul sing.

I sent my mom pictures of my rag rug progress and her only response indicated she thinks it’s ugly. My feelings felt hurt but yes, I know it’s ugly right now! (lol) Maybe when it’s all done it’ll still be ugly. Sometimes I just want to make things to hone in on a skill or simply to enjoy the process of it. In the case of the start of the weaving of this very eclectic rag rug, it’s to do both. It satisfies my need for busy hands and I’m learning how to do it (without a tutorial). But why would I care if someone called it ugly or not? It’s not like I’m making it on commission for them or even as a gift for them. 

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My creations are not going to be everyone’s taste. So, I acknowledge my mother’s opinion initially hurt my feelings but it also gave me something to think about. An opportunity to grow as a confident, secure adult.  

Deep down I know a lot of people don’t understand (or care to) why I do a lot of things and that it’s okay; my life ~ my journey. But in moments of weakness I do find it super easy to lean into the opinions of others to seek some sort of validation as to me being a good person, a smart person, a talented person. That shit needs to stay back in 2019. There’s no place for that in 2020.

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