Monthly Archives: October 2019

A taste of getting back to my roots ~

This past weekend I visited a friend’s camp that I thought I hadn’t visited in two years…turns out, it’s been 3. The last time I had been up to Ragged Lake (about 30-45 min from Malone, NY) was with my now ex-husband and it was apparently the camp’s opening in the spring. So this would have been in the spring of 2016 and here I am in the fall of 2019, bringing my wife for the first time.

I knew I missed it and over the years when I was invited, it bothered me to not be able to go for one reason or another. I remember being like “please don’t stop inviting me – I will make it again!”, while praying to myself that life would settle down. I know life has its times where its a constant summersault but I hadn’t truly experienced that before and it was a doozy. I have found my footing though, as much of a tight-tope it may seem at times.

The quiet and beauty is simply unmatched. I worried about Theresa’s reaction to being completely out of touch – there is no cell phone service or internet. I wondered if she wouldn’t get bored or anxious. She surprised me; it was honestly the first time I think I’ve ever visibly seen her relax and settle in. It was a relieving sigh of disconnect ~ something I really think she needed with her busy and chaotic job. She even asked me questions like, how much I thought something like that camp cost because she wants something like that, too.

I think I fell in love with her even further after that ~ lol! Every time I have gone, I have felt like I could live there. In all honesty, I would not want to travel the long dirt road season after season, but I’d love something like that…just with a much shorter dirt road, for safety purposes. I also know we would need internet and a phone, realistically. But the overall quiet? Yes, that, please.

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This trip left me with a yearning and a wonder if I made the right decision by purchasing our home in Niskayuna.

On the one hand – YES – it was the right choice. We have a roomy and lovely home in a fabulous and safe neighborhood and the school district is awesome. It’s the best for the kids – not only for educational purposes, but also for the fact that they are being exposed to so many different kids, families and family structures, ethnicities (which is a different type of education). You can’t necessarily find that in a much smaller, country school. Also, their grandparents, great grandma – not to mention their dad – are all here local. Theresa has help when she needs it.

On the other hand – NO – because I yearn for a quieter life in a quieter place. Living in Niskayuna brought me to my job, which I love, but would leave in a heart beat if I could either work from home or move to the country that would make it uneconomical to commute. It brought us together as a family. It’s a convenient location to all the things we need (and some things we don’t – like Marshall’s!). So I know it really was the right choice but I can’t help but feel this longing for the country and what it represents to me. Who knows, maybe I am over-glorifying it but I have for funsies, this week, looked at real estate listings out in Vermont, where I ultimately want to be.

Not because we’re looking to move anytime soon. We both agree that it’s best that we stay where we are until the kids have graduated. But I’m dreamin’ pretty hard right now because of the quietude of camp.

Dreams are inspiring though. Dreams drive, motivate, give purpose.

The underlying issues.

In a half hour, I’ll be preparing for my first Peloton bike class ~ I am all squared away with the app, the shoes, the heart rate monitor and headphones (all thanks to my wife).

I’ve been looking forward to this since it arrived this morning! Meanwhile, I have my laundry in the washing machine, I ordered a roll of burlap to cut my own table covers for the craft show at the end of the month (because it’s cheaper that way and I’ll have material leftover to do whatever I want with), I shipped a small item I sold on Mercari, and I’m hugging and kissing my dog. It seems like a win/win evening so far for me – no stress.

Since my blog post on Monday, I’ve been thinking to myself that maybe all along I’ve been going about this fitness thing wrong. I don’t mean all wrong lately but for years. If I’m really honest with myself – and I do try to be – when I first started my fitness journey about 10 years ago, I wasn’t in a good space. I was drinking too much, I didn’t treat myself well, I was forcing and pushing a relationship that really wasn’t meant to be in some kind of shape. The exercising and the eventual obtaining of a personal training certification did help boost my confidence and allow me to step forward on a better foot…

But when I left that gym – as a member and an employee – it didn’t feel like it went over well. I doubted myself, my abilities, and my relationships with others. I threw myself into another gym and created a reputation and a public persona for myself. A caricature. I remember feeling like I could conquer anything and do it all! But underneath all of that though, I did, and still do, question my likability and relate-ability as a person. When people didn’t turn out as loyal as I thought they were and did and said things that hurt me, it made it hard to believe that anything was truly real.

I do question my own value and my purpose in life. Every day.

I have a really hard time opening up to others past a superficial point.

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It’s tough for me to make new friends and to have normal conversations, even fluffy ones with co-workers. Maybe they don’t see or feel that – they just take it as awkwardness (which is may be, too) but it legit takes work for me to have a conversation that lasts more than a couple of sentences. I begin wondering how my tone is coming across, if what I’m saying is even interesting to the other person, what I could say that could be used against me in the future…omg how can I get out of this conversation I’m ready to go sit in my office and be alone…

It’s fucking insane.

When I was in the best shape of my life working as a kickboxing instructor, all I thought about was working out and what I ate. What my employees thought of me. How tired I was and how much I worked at the gym and at home. Who was talking about me behind my back because I knew it was happening. That’s a gym atmosphere for you – everyone acts like they are there to lift each other up but when, really, it’s a lot of cutting others down to feel better about yourself. (Note: Last year I worked a few months in another kickboxing gym and this was not my experience there. That was single handedly the most positive gym experience I’ve ever had and it’s too bad that my schedule made me feel like it was too tight to continue my employment there.) Then I got super skinny because I was stressed over my divorce and the death of my dog…I was over-caffeinated, under-rested and overall just not in a good place mentally but felt I looked awesome physically. I just could not keep up that pace without checking myself into a mental institution at some point.

A few years later and now I’m in average (or even above-average) shape and I still don’t feel like I’m mentally up to snuff. I’ve been off and on again beating myself for not staying in the exact same shape as I was when I was an instructor. I have been telling myself to be more careful with what I eat, go to the gym more…without really addressing any of my underlying issues that have been plaguing me over the years – whether they’ve been in the forefront or temporarily forgotten. What I’m saying is I keep telling myself that if I am “this way” or “that way” – I’ll feel different than I do right now. I’ll be happier and healthier, physically and mentally. Sheeiiit…all my problems will be solved, right?!

But that’s a crock of shit. The problem isn’t my body or any sort of my physical shape (which I quite like, actually! I like the curvier version of me!) – it’s the mindset I have about how others perceive me. Without changing the nagging things in my brain, without some sort of reset button being flicked, how am I going to really feel better and keep that positive momentum going? No amount of workouts will fix that or build a truly better me.

I don’t have the answers but I’d like to think that simply becoming aware of it is a step in the right direction. I think that, basically, I need to learn to love myself instead of telling myself and the world that I do, but not treating myself and talking to myself like I really do.

So, anyway, to wrap this up ~ I did go to my hot yoga class on Monday and it was excellent, despite the dude next to me coughing much of the class. I got sweaty, stretched, and overall celebrated myself for that entire hour, except for a few moments where I felt like my fat rolls were getting in the way of stretching. I love how during hot yoga, I can’t really think of anything else but what’s happening right in that moment. I’m too busy trying not to die but it’s honestly just such a nice break from to-do lists, reliving moments of the day (amazing and not-so-amazing), and nursing frustrated emotions.

Onwards and upwards.