I parented much of this weekend, after having a busy week at work (more on that later) and parenting after work. It was another week where I didn’t make it to the gym for any formal workout, although I was not altogether inactive. I went for walks, I went for a bike ride, and played a short soccer scrimmage with Emma’s soccer team. But I really felt like I had fallen off the workout wagon this week after having a week similar only a short time ago. Every once in a while I have a week where I’m like “Eh, I just wanna go home”…so I do.
The thing is that I rely on structured exercise routines for my mental health. I don’t have any specific fitness goals, so when people are talking about theirs I don’t really have anything to chime in with. I just want to stay healthy, active, and feel strong. I normally feel all of those things until it’s the end of the “Ehhhh” week. At the end of a week of not going to the gym, I feel like I’m flabby, weak, heavy and tired.
This week I just felt off the entire time. The pace right now at work isn’t one I can keep up with and feel good about its quality. It’s been extremely busy and I have been letting it zap my energy and keep me from going to my HIIT classes. My HIIT classes are also fast-paced and I have been craving a slower pace. I realized this weekend that this go, go, go mentality is not good for my mental health. I mean, I already knew this but this pace is what seems like the entire world is running on. My mental health has suffered with the busy-ness of my life this season and maybe these HIIT classes aren’t what I am meant to focus on right now. Maybe I need something more restorative and less aggressive.
So, starting tomorrow I am going back to hot yoga. I feel good about this decision and am looking forward to it! I believe if I take better care of my mental health that I will feel less overwhelmed with everything else in my life right now.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just not missing the whatever-it-is that keeps parents moving forward. Maybe I am missing a trait that allows for me to feel able to handle all that adults are expected to in today’s world. I thought about that over the weekend – even wrote about it in my private journal – but I really don’t believe that. I just believe that I am yearning for a less complicated, less busy life because people are not meant to be living under so much pressure. I feel like so many of us are just going along with it but not really questioning it. Like I’m awake and those around me are sleeping.
Or , who knows, maybe I’m a childish dreamer and everyone around me is a mature, capable adult 100% happy with their routines and life stressors. Maybe I need go grow up and put my big girl pants on and deal with it like everyone else does.
I don’t wanna though, to be completely honest. I don’t want to wear my big girl pants if it means that I have to put myself on autopilot to survive the hurried pace.
I go through waves of these feelings of being overwhelmed and under-prepared. I think it is in part because I tend to analyze things, but I also think it’s in part of not being as mindful of making sure my own cup is filled. My cup has been steadily emptying all week and I did not have much time this weekend to fill it back up totally. But the moments I had to myself I did do my best to relax, enjoy the quiet, and at least refill some of it. It’s a work in progress 🙂
My goal over the next several weeks is to find a different fitness routine – one that incorporates a mind/body exercise at minimum once – and then two other days of something that makes my heart pound, whether it’s in a class or on my own. Theresa ordered a Pelodon bike for our basement, plus the gear for the both of us; it arrives this week! We are excited for this for the days when we can’t…or simply don’t want to…go to the gym. I am looking forward to using this on days where I want to exercise but the idea of going to a class and “peopling” seems like too much work. Because that’s how I be sometimes. This bike will remote into a class so we can be a part of it without leaving the house.
I also haven’t made the time to update this blog in a bit and writing has always been cathartic to me. It’s something I shall need to carve out the time for more often!