In the spirit of that, this blog post should be completely blank. It won’t be though. Writing gives me a chance to think through what it is I really want to say ~ much easier than having an on-the-spot discussion.
My anxiety at the beginning of the week was something to behold. My wife asked me if I felt I should talk to someone or go see my doctor because I’ve expressed my extreme anxiety a number of times over the past month. The problem is that I am very resistent to this – not because of feeling any sort of shame or embarassment, I just don’t think it’s time for me to medically address it. I know that I haven’t been taking care of myself the way I should be. My sleep patterns have been interrupted due to too much caffeine, sugar, overall too much not-good-for-me stuff. I haven’t been drinking enough water. All the things combined heighten my anxiety and that impacts sleep and sleep impacts how I feel about everything in life. It’s a cycle.
So to break that, this week I’ve been drinking a LOT of water. I mean a lot. I may as well move my office into the bathroom. I’ve been eating more fruits and veggies. I’ve continued to meditate using the Headspace app. I’ve also been quieter; feeling like I have less to say. I’ve been actively avoiding chatter – responding a bit less to messages and overall just sitting with my own thoughts. It’s nice actually. I’ve felt a bit more peaceful over the past 48 hours.
I also came to realize that maybe not all my wishes need to be goals. Would I truly be satisfied with having my Etsy shop be my main source of income in the future, or would I end up feeling pressured to create? Chained? Unable to get away and take a vacation with my family? Would I ever make enough money to feel comfortable and happy? I honestly don’t know – but these are important things to consider. My first waking thought on Tuesday morning (after a FABULOUS night’s sleep) was: Not every hobby has to be a career path. Not every venture has to be a money-making endeavor. Some things may be meant to be simply fun and expressive. I’ll take that as a sign to keep the pressure off. Not everything has to be actively pressed forward with a sense of urgency. Things move when they move, change when they’re meant to, and stop when it’s time.
Maybe meditation has been helping.