I have this terrible attitude I can’t shake. I am angry, easily frustrated, not sleeping as well as I should, feeling overwhelmed and annoyed with myself.
Social media gives the impression we’re supposed to be PoSiTiVe pOsItIvE POSITIVE all the damned time ~ but you know what? I don’t need to live my life only by the highlight reels. Sometimes life just is a kick in the pants and all you can do is cringe and move forward anyway.
I have been actively trying to do less so that I can get a bit of a breather. It’s been hard with trying to finish the bedroom, maintain a steady workout routine, work full time, have a family, and prepare for birthdays, Mother’s Day, a craft show, and a wedding. But I’ve been more aware of prioritizing and, as a friend reminded me, MAKE A DAMNED LIST and chip away a little at a time. That’s how I got through Mother’s Day and a birthday ~ using my lunch break wisely to conquer my task list.
Man, our vacation cruise couldn’t have come at a better time. In a month we are OUT of the U.S. and into the good life. Over a week of no responsibilities…we don’t have to do anything but what we want to do. I can use that right now – the opportunity to be truly free and disconnect from everything.
In the meantime, I want to continue to work on me so that I can get out of this truly negative, hateful rut I am in. I know I’m “off” ~ so I took about a half hour today, after Mother’s Day festivities, and beat the crap out of my bag in the basement. It has been a couple of months since I’ve worn my boxing gloves. I remember the last time I did; the doctors had just confirmed my mom’s mesothelioma. So I went downstairs, blared music, cried and punched and kicked my way to exhaustion and some sort of sanity.
I feel – at times – one thread away from unraveling. I just can’t afford to do so. I feel like I’ve been extra snippy and impatient with the kids and they deserve better. Life doesn’t come with a manual and our emotions definitely don’t, either. Despite feeling like I am doing all the right things, I still am struggling with the weight on my plate. So – I’m not adding to it. What I have going on right now is what I have going on right now and anything else that I can reasonably say no to, I am. If I have to miss certain events because I really need to get to a fitness class, you bet your sweet ass I’m going to because a tough workout is like meditation to me and I can’t move forward without doing things that keep my anxiety and frustration at bay.