This weekend, I received a text message from someone who I haven’t spoken with in over 2 years. The reason our relationship fell apart was an accusation against me of something that I did not do, then I was insulted in the worst ways one could be, and then finally blocked before I had a chance to even really understand what she thought was going on or even defend/explain anything. It was a horrible ordeal that I still get angry about once in a while because having my integrity questioned is something that really gets to me.
The text message “forgave” me and indicated that she no longer holds resentment toward me. That’s all well and good, except for the fact that she should be seeking my forgiveness and offering an apology, not forgiving me as if I had something to apologize for.
The old me would have written back and sought to figure it all out – bring it to some sort of conclusion. The past couple of years have taught me that not everything gets buttoned up and put into a neat little box. Some shit will just be unresolved and I have to move on and live with it. The old me would want to work it all out to salvage a relationship because reunions can be oh-so-sweet and full of feel goods…
I hate to use the phrase “the new me!” because it sounds so cliché and very Happy New Year Resolutiony ~ but the person I am now, which has been shaped not only by this incident with this person, but all the other nasty people that have shown their true selves to me over the years, is uninterested in unreliable, mean-spirited people.
Part of my driving around more than usual last week, visiting with my Dad in Cambridge, was remembering who the f*ck I am.
I am not a fake person.
I say what I mean.
I am a busy person with a family, eclectic interests, a job…
I am a no-nonsense person.
I am much more accepting of seemingly impossible situations.
I am much more willing to simply walk away rather than engage.
I don’t care to try to have others see it my way.
I love to learn.
I am a bold person.
I am hard working.
And I have zero time for dramatic bullshit.
I won’t lie and say I no longer hold any resentment toward the girl – I do. I freely admit that I have my days where I could boil over with anger. That is my own issue to deal with and has nothing to do with her. That is everything having to do with me. The ugly feelings have lessened as time has passed, and I don’t need her forgiveness. Apologizing for something I’ve done wrong is an amazing feeling and it isn’t one that I would pass up for the sake of my ego. Last year I apologized to two girls that I had been rotten to and I’m really grateful I had that opportunity because it was something I had wanted to do for a long time. Mending bridges is great, but this bridge isn’t mine to mend and I am really quite fine with swimming.