Fitting in and standing offish

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I refuse to think that I’m alone in feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere. At 35, I feel like if I haven’t found my spot yet, I likely never will. Life will always continue to feel uncomfortable, weird, and awesome – depending on the life and social circumstances.

It’s no mystery that I struggle to make true connections with those around me. While I don’t dwell much on “does so-and-so like me?”, the fact is that the every day tasks in life are made so much easier when you are liked. When you feel plugged in. When you feel like you are around like-minded people. It makes me sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t try to fit in more…do the things everyone else seems to enjoy doing…talk about what everyone else likes to talk about…

But that’s not me. I don’t have a very active social life. I’m not a part of the next biggest local thing, likely I haven’t been to the newest, hippest restaurant, and I don’t really care to get into other people’s business. I’m not the loudest, funniest person in the room and I don’t need or want all eyes on me. I’m not as open of a book as I used to be. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been hurt by others. Maybe it’s a combination of both. I’ve shared a lot of my personal life to others in the past only to have had it tossed back in my face; to have been kicked while I was down by those who acted like they cared.

In a lot of ways, my lack of connecting is my own fault. I can acknowledge that. My attitude is indifferent and standoffish. It seems easier to stand apart and live my life quietly than it is to take a risk and draw negative attention to myself. I’d rather attention be drawn to me for something I’ve done or achieved rather than anything I’ve said. Plus, this keeps me out of other people’s drama. I hate the he-said, she-said stuff.

It also doesn’t help that on the weekends I spend time doing things a lot of other people I know don’t appear to enjoy. I mean, I don’t know who else is brainstorming ideas on how to upcycle cans into something useable and aesthetically pleasing.

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I wish I could find myself in a local group of upcyclers and crafters. While I am a part of a couple of Facebook groups, I don’t spend a lot of time on Facebook anymore. But crafting is a very solitary activity. It doesn’t require a team, it doesn’t require collaboration. But man, do I wish I had someone local that I could get together with and make stuff with. Someone who gets jazzed up about it. I miss spending time in the craft room with Theresa. Life has been too busy for us to dedicate the time to do that together.

I’ve been thinking of taking up Home Depot’s and Lowes’ weekend DIY workshops. I mean, crafting isn’t too far off from home improvement projects. I don’t have the bandwidth to take that on right now but maybe that’s something I can look into more seriously in the not-too-distant future. It’d be nice to be in a group of like-minded individuals learning a new skill. Maybe I would have that “I fit in!” feeling for just an hour or two.

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