Monthly Archives: February 2019

So not crushin’ it so far this month.

We’re just about halfway through February and February is so unlike January, I’m not even sure how it’s still the same year.

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This time in January I was just about to my sales goal. This time in February I am only $11 in on my goal of $75. I’ve been less steady with my efforts and that is because I’m finding this month’s mantra of “FOCUS” (see blog post HERE) to be super hard.

Work has been very busy and so has life. I have an hour lunch break which I was using in January to market, use Pinterest, blog, etc. This month I’ve had to use my lunch break for different things – errands and various phone calls because adulting is annoying. I haven’t been able to carve out that time during lunch to take care of the things I was doing steadily in January.

On the home front, I’ve been busy with kids, busy with the gym, busy with chores…I can’t even say. But I do know that when Theresa and I are all done with the adult parts of every day life, we’re tired and laying in bed either mindlessly scrolling phones or sleeping.

It hasn’t all been boring though – I did read two books, finish Grace and Frankie all the way to the end of season 5 and commit to a Mother’s Day craft show in May. So that part of my February goal is done – finding a show to participate it. The “Hip and Happenin'” part I’m not entirely sure about. It’s a gamble of a show; it’s at a Health and Rehabilitation Center about an hour south of me and it’s their first time hosting it. Those are the down sides – the fact that it’s a bit farther away than I care for and it may not get a lot of traffic. The upside is that it’s an older crowd, so my glassware may be a hit. Also, it’s geared toward Mother’s Day and a lot of people gift flowers for Mother’s Day. The third bonus is that, given it’s an older audience, my mother’s afghans may sell very well because old people like cute homemade cozy items. I won’t make much from selling my mom’s afghans, maybe a few bucks a piece.

Related to February’s goal of being better at breakfast, I have been doing super well with that. All last week I enjoyed almond and coconut overnight oats, splurging twice so far this month on Eggo waffles for fun. Overall I’ve been much better about eating a healthier breakfast. Has it made a difference? Probably not yet, but each day I choose to do better is making me better in the long run. I would say I’m a pound down but I’m not even because the past few days have been super stressful and guess who’s been at the ice cream in the freezer?

If you guessed my dog, you’d be right, but I’d be a dirty, rotten liar to let you believe that.

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So February isn’t as easy and rewarding as January was, but January’s “Stick With It” and this month’s goal to “Focus” just means I need to keep plugging along, doing the best I can. Life is full of distractions and goals can’t be reached every single month, but shit can still be learned and improvements can still be made.

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A dissatisfied day.

About midday yesterday, I was called with bad news. Because it involves my mom and dad and because they are private, I can’t really go into detail. Yesterday went from great to suckage though; that I’ll say. But it’s not permanent and nobody is dying.

This morning my alarm went off at 6 a.m., despite being sure I had set it for later. I was able to go back to sleep and woke up naturally in time to make it to my 10:30 hot yoga class. I was happy about that, but much like last Saturday, my day began taking a turn into unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

I wanted to settle into Netflix and a craft project but it became clear that it was going to be a day where nothing would actually be accomplished. Any technique I tried failed. Any vision I tried to put to glass turned out terrible. I found myself walking around in circles, unsure of what to do with myself and my hands, frigid from the cold basement where my craft room is.

How does one shake feelings of unrest and dissatisfaction?

By blogging about it, because we’ve all been there.

By taking another hot shower – a long, pampering one – pretending that it’s a restart to the day. I mean, who cares if it’s after 6 p.m….I’m going to do just that.

Tomorrow’s a fresh day.

Instead of blocking the bad, let the good radiate outward

I don’t know exactly how long it’s been since I’ve been off of my depression meds…at least 3 weeks at this point. I’m terrible with the passage of time – sometimes a week feels like a month and a half year seems like only yesterday.

About the time I stopped though I began taking a Vitamin D supplement, after reading that most of us are Vitamin D deficient. It honestly has been a huge game-changer for me, especially as I transitioned off of taking my meds. While I don’t always feel like an energizer bunny ~ life has its own stresses, after all ~ I definitely feel more happier, more capable and just overall better. 

I don’t feel like this dude below every single day:

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What I am having a hard time doing is blocking out some negative vibes and bad feelings that are emanating from those around me. There are a lot of stressed out people in this world; a lot of angry, sad, conflicted people. There’s sometimes a lot of yelling in my house and it really affects my mental well-being. Yelling is a trigger of mine and it causes me to either shrink and hold my stress in my body or I freak out and lose control. Both reactions are equally awful and ugly.

At work today there was an undertone of discontent. I shut my office door, cranked my tunes to ignore that and the consistent cougher in the office next to me. I just tried to be in my own bubble, not letting the vibes get to me. But they always do eventually. And to come home to a stressed out fiancee is hard, too. It makes me just so tired and sad ~ I can’t help but feel like I’m soaking up all the negativity when literally nothing is going wrong.

Then as I was writing this blog, I was talking to my friend Leah and she said something about instead of letting the bad vibes affect me, how about letting my good vibes be absorbed by others…so, essentially, the opposite of what tends to happen. Let the positivity radiate outward and outshine the darkness. Much easier said than done though but I know when the world gets tough around me I tend to think about putting up my own sort of invisible force field to protect me, not so much thinking about the energy I can put forth out into the world that could potentially change the mood of what’s going on around me.

While today is just about over ~ I’m thinking of headed to bed early so I’m just going to let it all be where it’s at ~ maybe it’s something I can work on next time.

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This vase is peaceful and full of calming vibes ~ and you can find it in my Etsy shop here –> https://www.etsy.com/listing/655833438/peaceful-blue-painted-flower-vase-with

My Etsy shop link is here —> https://www.etsy.com/shop/WeirdGlassArtStudio

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Gym Defensiveness

Tonight I took a BFiit class at Best Fitness. It was only my second time taking it, the first being on a cardio endurance day that made me question my life choices.

You know what I find? The idea that because I’m a former fitness instructor I get the feeling that others feel I shouldn’t complain about workouts. I should love absolutely everything. Let me tell you something: I don’t. I hate assault bikes. I hate rowing. I hate straight cycling classes. I think aerobics and Zumba is silly. Guess what though? I’ll probably do ALL of these things numerous times before I die because they’re good for me and I believe any movement, even things I deem as “silly” is better than none.

Now, my current physique is one that where you can tell that I work out, but you may not peg me for a former or current fitness instructor. I remember when I first started instructing classes years ago; I felt chubby and judged. I felt like others who looked more in shape than me were wondering what I could possibly do for them. Part of that was my own insecurity talking but likely some of them truly were looking at me that way. Then I went from feeling chubby to be quite slim – if you ask my fiancée, too slim.  People would listen to me if I told them that, if they wanted to lose weight, eat a Five Guys burger every day and watch the fat melt right off. Seriously. Because I looked the way that I did they’d take my word for it and head for the burgery. (Yeah, I made that word up!)

It’s important not to judge. Fit does look different on everyone. Someone who is fit in body may not be fit in mind – and, in my case, that was totally me when I was super slim. My mental health was failing and from a more sane, stable standpoint now, two years later, I can look back and say I was one hair away from a mental breakdown. What kept me going was sheer adrenaline, caffeine and my dogged stubbornness that others shall not see me fail or give up. Those who cared knew where I was at and wouldn’t leave me be, even though I wanted them to. Those who no longer matter didn’t care but, instead, used my quick exit from fitness as a reason to talk about me behind my back to tear me down. I hope they don’t experience the tough choices I had to make and the heartbreak I experienced. I made it but who knows if they would.

It’s just so important not to judge. After class tonight, I was walking behind another lady to the locker room. Let’s call her “Sharon”. She is older than me, taller and heavier than me, but I have no way of knowing if she is a beginner to exercising or not. She expressed that the class was very hard and I agreed that it was definitely challenging. I recommended a foam roller and another class participant chimed in that she should take some Tylenol for muscle soreness. Sharon became defensive and said she does Beachbody on Demand on the regular and that she’s no stranger to exercise and soreness. She was more defensive toward the other woman and conceded that her Beachbody program does recommend foam rolling but that she hasn’t bought one. (It’s a commonly overlooked part of exercise after-care.)

Man…I could relate to Sharon’s feelings that we were judging her based on her appearance. I can’t speak for Tylenol lady but I know I was just tossing out some self-love. Class was hard and everyone will likely be sore – no matter their fitness level. But Sharon was clearly irked and went on to say she’s lost 60 lbs. on her own by doing Beachbody, as if she had to defend herself to prove she belonged in class with us. Nobody has to prove anything, but I remember what it was like to feel I needed to fight for my label as a fitness person or athlete. I remember being harsher on myself than likely anyone was being toward me. I hope Sharon moves past that and embraces herself at whatever level she’s at and compares it to where she began and is super proud of herself. Because that’s what matters – not someone else’s view of where you are by what you may look like.

But for real though – brain space is limited

 

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I know some people that, if you ask them what their biggest dream is, they’d answer “having children.”

I really wish I could connect with that desire; I had exactly one maternal pull and that was while bowling with my then-boyfriend when I was probably around 23 years old. We were next to a family who were playing, as well, and they had this little boy who kept toddling over to my then-boyfriend Pat and Pat talked to him with this big smile on his face, as if he were truly enjoying the moment… Well. A flash of “YES! Let’s get crackin’ on making one of those!” went cursing through my body like a lightning bolt that stopped at my heart, making it all warm and gushy. Okay, maybe I do remember the feeling better than I first thought. Or maybe I’m just stoned. Irrelevant.

Kids, man. Kids use up a lot of brain power. Between the corralling them into doing the daily routines they should be well accustomed to by now (I mean, their 100th day of school is soon and some mornings it’s like we’ve never done this get up and ready thing a single day of their lives), letting the bickering continue between siblings until someone’s voice escalates enough to pull the pin out of one’s carefully constructed patience-grenade, to ensuring their well-being by actually giving a shit about their nutrition – balancing healthy meals and snacks with homemade chocolate chip cookies, and being rigid with sleep schedules so that they can feel and be their bests…

No wonder when a parent gets a free second to themselves they want to nap.

As I’ve stated previously, I went from child-free to childed. Some days I feel I’m in a frustrating time-loop where the same conversations, arguments, and actions just repeat until I am about to go completely mad…and then the kids are off to bed and I have a second to breathe and put things into perspective. I’m a big stickler about getting at least 8 hours of sleep myself (don’t judge – it’s how I try to be my best self for the world) so in the morning I am ready to do basically the same day all over again, but hopefully better?

I have my days where the slightest bickering between the kids makes me want to toss a suitcase into the car and peace out of everything in my life. Start over on the beach somewhere; start going by some hipster name like Lotus. Then I have my days where I am like a hippy new-age very chill mom ~ where I can create a safe space to talk about feelings and foster the experience of adolescent personal growth ~ where the closing credits Fuller House are just seconds away from playing…

It’s all a lot. I have to hand it to good parents that exhibit self-control and patience of steel. I’m trying to be like you but I’m growing like me and at my own pace and, at times, it isn’t graceful. Sometimes I feel too young to be partially responsible for the mental and physical growth of other humans. I’m 35…coincidentally like the meme. People I graduated high school with are taking selfies with their 16 year old kids who’ve just obtained their learner’s permits. Big orthodontia-perfected smiles with their colored-rubberbanded orthodontiaed children who will someday share their parent’s perfect smile. They can do it! They’ve been doing it and they started a lot younger than me. There’s hope! And who knows, maybe they sometimes share the same feelings of frustration as I do at the difficulty it is to keep things that are meant to be buck-wild on the straight and narrow into a hopefully successful future.

I hope I come out of this all alive. The kids teach me a lot about myself every day because I do think a lot about them and a lot about the person I want to be for them. Maybe it isn’t about what I can teach them, but what they can teach me.

::Cue Closing Credits::

Everywhere you look (everywhere you look)….