I started this blog for me around mid-December 2018. I was feeling like I needed an outlet away from my usual avenues of social media to be honest and to be myself, without any sort of preconceived notion of who I am or was. It was kind of like busting out of a cage that others put around me ~ I was able to stretch out my wings!
Now it’s nearing the end of February, a mere two and a half months later, and I have 42 complete strangers following my blog. I just want to say THANK YOU. It’s been pretty amazing to have this outlet again. I can be real, whatever that may look like that day, and I don’t feel judged. I don’t feel pigeon-holed into some sort of assumed or advertised life.
I’ve been doing quite decent being off of my depression medication. I really don’t think it was for me. Generally, I’ve been happy, optimistic about life and not paranoid. I no longer sit in my office at work thinking that I don’t fit in anywhere at all and everyone dislikes me for some odd reason. As a woman in her mid-30’s, I can say I don’t worry too much about what others think of me. But as a woman in her mid-30’s who was on depression medication, I couldn’t say that. I literally found myself craving everyone’s approval, feeling like a square peg in a round hole, and feeling like a giant fucking fraud. Take away that medicine though and I’ve settled back into who I really am and I am very happy with that.
I’ve had a tough weekend though. On Friday, my mother’s test results came back positive for mesothelioma. The blessing is that it’s the lesser of the aggressive types of mesothelioma and the doctor is optimistic about treatment, especially because it appears to be in a somewhat early stage. Honestly, the appointment was what I consider to be a shit sandwich, but not a moldy, really smelly shit sandwich. If you’re going to have to eat a shit sandwich perhaps maybe if it wouldn’t SMELL like one, it’d make it a bit more tolerable?
This coming Tuesday is the oncologist appointment to discuss treatment plans and options.
I find myself feeling listless this weekend. Not wanting to go out but not wanting to be in. Tired but unable to relax and sleep. Unproductive, but really want to be productive. Just unfocused. I hate weekends like these but under the circumstances, I feel it’s allowable.
I don’t have to like it though. I’m ready for this weekend to be over. I actually want to get back to work and back to a routine that feels as comforting and familiar as slippers.
As long as my hands and mind is busy, I’m doing okay. It’s the lulls that get me – having to sit quietly in the fact that life is again changing so very fast. The fact that I could be spending time with my mother but she doesn’t seem up for company and that I shouldn’t press because it’s not about me. It’s about her trying to make the most of whatever time she has left here on earth. About her doing what she needs to do to manage this disease. My feelings don’t really play a part in all of that.
To my 42 followers ~ loving myself as I love others is hard. But I know I need to love myself through this, too, so that I can help when I can. I can’t pour from an empty cup. Part of loving myself is continuing to work toward my personal goals, continuing to enjoy the beautiful things and exciting opportunities life has to offer.
As for February’s mantra of FOCUS ~ obviously I’ve had my family’s obstacle. It has distracted me from what I wished to focus on. I haven’t lost any weight (in fact, my scale says I’ve gained a couple of pounds instead). It seems the more I focus on losing weight, the more my body’s determined to gain it. Even tracking my macros and calories through apps…it isn’t helping me at all. In fact, I feel it’s causing me to obsess and it’s a stupid fucking thing to obsess over. I have more important things going on.
Sales wise, I’m just under $62 for my $75 sales goal. But what I have achieved is better breakfast prepping habits – I did make that effort and I have felt really good about that. I also did sign up for a craft show that’s taking place in May, as I mentioned in a previous post.
Next month’s mantra (I have already decided) is BALANCE. I think I am really going to need better balancing habits as we embark on this treatment journey with my mother. I’m starting off the month with a hike up Severance Mountain with the Albany area Hiking Mates. I haven’t gone on a hike with that group in years. I am looking forward to it and I hope the weather cooperates. I think it will be good for the soul to get out there.