Monthly Archives: February 2019

February’s Ending…March’s Mantra – BALANCE

See February’s goals HERE.

I’m glad February’s coming to an end. Between my mother’s diagnosis and the 2nd year anniversary of FeeBee’s death, February just kind of hung like a cold, wet blanket. There’s something about March that feels better. One more month of the NY winter done – on toward, hopefully, muddy yards and a peek of fresh green.


Here’s an oldie of FeeBee and I! She was approximately 1 or 2 here. She lived until just over age 14.

I didn’t track my weight as strictly as I expected, nor did I hit the gym as much as I wished to. Life threw me some curve balls so I focused on taking care of what I could, while being kind to myself and not taking on any more tasks.

I came up $2.45 short from my $75 sales goal. Sadly, while I am steadily gaining more views on my Etsy page, I did not make a sale on that website this month. My sales all came from Mercari and was mostly clothing/accessories. Like I said earlier this year, I want and expect instant results and building an Etsy shop and following isn’t something that happens overnight. This is why I’m setting monthly goals for myself so that I don’t simply give up. (The other goal results I talked about in previous posts so I don’t really want to repeat myself.)

Overall, February’s goals didn’t get entirely off track with everything that’s going on. I didn’t achieve all I wanted to, but I think that’s reasonable given well, life.

So what’s going on in March? It’s all about BALANCE and I want to achieve the following:

  • More hot yoga classes ~ I cannot think of a single thing while doing hot yoga besides how my body feels and my own breathing. This is beneficial because it’s like meditation for me. It’s good for my mind and body and with all that’s going on, I’d like to focus on taking good care of myself in March and in the months to come. I’d like to up my hot yoga classes from 1x a week to 2x. I’m also open to this goal shifting some for more outdoorsy things like hiking, walking Adam through the woods, etc. Those activities give me that meditative feeling, as well.
  • I’d like to waste less food out of my fridge. Waste not, want not.
  • I’d like to learn more about how to use Pinterest’s analytics and hashtags effectively so as to generate more views to my Etsy site, while continuing to work on my Etsy SEO’s. There’s simply SO MUCH information out there about how to do it and the best ways to make it happen…I am starting to feel that there’s a lot of trial and error until something sticks and that shit changes all the time.
  • Also keeping my monthly sales goal at $75, since I was close to achieving it in February but did not surpass it. edit: last minute I made my goal. So I’m going to challenge myself for $100!

Life Hack – Dress for How You Want to Feel

I feel like, super proud. Amidst all of the coughing, sneezing, fevers and misery all around me (because hey, it’s that season in upstate NY), I’ve been pretty damned lucky missing it all…until now. I think the germs took advantage of the stress and worry about my mom that here I am, sniffling and coughing my way through the end of February.


So now the hike I planned on taking this coming Saturday is a “maybe” instead of a “hell yes!” The nasal drip has headed down into my lungs, making a trip up the stairs feel like a trip up a mountain. It is what it is and it won’t be forever. While yesterday sucked ~ starting off groggy from cold medicine and apparently just carrying that bad attitude all throughout the day ~ today feels better. I woke up without feeling groggy (because I didn’t take any nighttime medicine) and I generally feel more alert and a lot less congested in my face.


You ever notice how when you get up and put on an outfit that you love, it just makes you feel like you can conquer your entire day? I’m so in that zone today. Between this grey sweater, the jeggings, necklace (thank you, Kim!) and these amazingly soft mules I bought from Target, I feel comfortable yet professional. I got this, Wednesday. I got this. That is the power of a good, solid outfit. It can get you in the right mindset.

I do this sometimes on the weekends, too. If I wake up and feel a lack of motivation and my to-do list can’t be put off, I will purposely get up and ready as if I were going to work instead of opting to stay in my pajamas. It’s kind of a life-hack of mine ~ a way to make my outside match what I should feel on the inside, thus influencing my insides to match the outside. Boom. It works 90% of the time. It sounds superficial but let’s get real – there’s nothing motivating about pajamas.

So, if I am not hiking this weekend, I will be continuing to create and get ready for my May show. I also will be starting to learn how to create burlap flowers, as a newly-engaged woman reached out to me to ask me if I’d create her wedding bouquet! What an honor to be asked to create something for their special day. I’m excited to learn!

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I have 42 Followers to be honest with.

I started this blog for me around mid-December 2018. I was feeling like I needed an outlet away from my usual avenues of social media to be honest and to be myself, without any sort of preconceived notion of who I am or was. It was kind of like busting out of a cage that others put around me ~ I was able to stretch out my wings!

Now it’s nearing the end of February, a mere two and a half months later, and I have 42 complete strangers following my blog. I just want to say THANK YOU. It’s been pretty amazing to have this outlet again. I can be real, whatever that may look like that day, and I don’t feel judged. I don’t feel pigeon-holed into some sort of assumed or advertised life.

I’ve been doing quite decent being off of my depression medication. I really don’t think it was for me. Generally, I’ve been happy, optimistic about life and not paranoid. I no longer sit in my office at work thinking that I don’t fit in anywhere at all and everyone dislikes me for some odd reason. As a woman in her mid-30’s, I can say I don’t worry too much about what others think of me. But as a woman in her mid-30’s who was on depression medication, I couldn’t say that. I literally found myself craving everyone’s approval, feeling like a square peg in a round hole, and feeling like a giant fucking fraud. Take away that medicine though and I’ve settled back into who I really am and I am very happy with that.

I’ve had a tough weekend though. On Friday, my mother’s test results came back positive for mesothelioma. The blessing is that it’s the lesser of the aggressive types of mesothelioma and the doctor is optimistic about treatment, especially because it appears to be in a somewhat early stage. Honestly, the appointment was what I consider to be a shit sandwich, but not a moldy, really smelly shit sandwich. If you’re going to have to eat a shit sandwich perhaps maybe if it wouldn’t SMELL like one, it’d make it a bit more tolerable?

This coming Tuesday is the oncologist appointment to discuss treatment plans and options.

I find myself feeling listless this weekend. Not wanting to go out but not wanting to be in. Tired but unable to relax and sleep. Unproductive, but really want to be productive. Just unfocused. I hate weekends like these but under the circumstances, I feel it’s allowable.

I don’t have to like it though. I’m ready for this weekend to be over. I actually want to get back to work and back to a routine that feels as comforting and familiar as slippers.

As long as my hands and mind is busy, I’m doing okay. It’s the lulls that get me – having to sit quietly in the fact that life is again changing so very fast. The fact that I could be spending time with my mother but she doesn’t seem up for company and that I shouldn’t press because it’s not about me. It’s about her trying to make the most of whatever time she has left here on earth. About her doing what she needs to do to manage this disease. My feelings don’t really play a part in all of that.

To my 42 followers ~ loving myself as I love others is hard. But I know I need to love myself through this, too, so that I can help when I can. I can’t pour from an empty cup. Part of loving myself is continuing to work toward my personal goals, continuing to enjoy the beautiful things and exciting opportunities life has to offer.

As for February’s mantra of FOCUS ~ obviously I’ve had my family’s obstacle. It has distracted me from what I wished to focus on. I haven’t lost any weight (in fact, my scale says I’ve gained a couple of pounds instead). It seems the more I focus on losing weight, the more my body’s determined to gain it. Even tracking my macros and calories through apps…it isn’t helping me at all. In fact, I feel it’s causing me to obsess and it’s a stupid fucking thing to obsess over. I have more important things going on.

Sales wise, I’m just under $62 for my $75 sales goal. But what I have achieved is better breakfast prepping habits – I did make that effort and I have felt really good about that. I also did sign up for a craft show that’s taking place in May, as I mentioned in a previous post.

Next month’s mantra (I have already decided) is BALANCE. I think I am really going to need better balancing habits as we embark on this treatment journey with my mother. I’m starting off the month with a hike up Severance Mountain with the Albany area Hiking Mates. I haven’t gone on a hike with that group in years. I am looking forward to it and I hope the weather cooperates. I think it will be good for the soul to get out there.


Hunting for goodies.

Theresa had a rare Saturday off this past weekend and for over a week, I had been kind of itching to visit a Salvation Army I had never been to before. So we ventured over to Central Avenue in Albany and did some exploring.

My favorite section is housewares. I love looking through the discarded kitchenware, finding 3 champagne flutes out of a set of who knows how many, almost an entire set of semi-matching chipped plates. I am one of those people who wonders where these items were before. Who ate off of them. Who originally bought them and loved them. What made them end up here. A new set? Combining of households? Someone’s death?

I picked up a few things to craft with. Things that I felt that, with a little bit of love and imagination, could be desirable again. Maybe I’m wrong but the Salvation Army is like the last stop before things end up in the landfill ~ like a kill shelter for unwanted things. While I enjoy going and rescuing what I can, it also is a depressing place.

One of the items is this heavy crystal bowl – I’m thinking it may have, at one point had a lid and was some sort of candy dish.


I paid $2 for this piece and it is in fabulous condition – no cracks or chips. I figure perhaps this was a wedding gift for someone. It feels like the bland, traditional wedding gift you give to someone you don’t know very well. It feels safe. It’s inoffensive and while it’s a bit superfluous, it is useful if you’re the type of person who has or wants to have candy displayed in something classy.

Who knows. Maybe I’m all wrong and it was someone’s great-grandmother’s and when she passed, the family didn’t need or want it. Maybe it was in a now-retired doctor’s office and whatever couldn’t be sold was just dropped off at the SA.

Regardless; because it’s such a quality piece, I feel it does have the potential to join us in the year 2019. It just needs to be re-thought and updated.


So, I gave it a facelift. The creamy white/off-white vintage farmhouse look is very in right now. I sprayed it in layers and it has a slight gritty texture to it. I then took some silver fabric flowers and sprayed them a metallic gold, using metallic white acrylic paint dots in the center of the flowers to draw the eye in. Around the top lid of the dish is also a metallic gold, but a lighter shade than the flowers. I wanted the flowers to coordinate with the top of the dish but I also wanted them to be the main focal point.

The inside is not sprayed because I don’t like questioning whether or not it’s safe – even if the food items inside may be covered. Since it was clear glass prior, the inside remains that way as a small peek into its past-life and remains food-safe.

I can see this candy dish getting more use in the future in a more hip and updated home. I can see it as a unique gift to someone – wedding, anniversary, or Christmas. I can see it holding candy, car keys, mints, matches, potpourri, tea lights, business cards, fresh strawberries for a night of romance.

It’s not quite ready yet to be added to my Etsy shop, but it will be soon. I’m thinking of a fair price of $15.

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My latest finished products!

Last weekend I couldn’t create a damned thing. Anything I touched fell apart, paint dribbled and smeared. I lamented to Theresa about how I will never sell anything, how little anyone cares, how I make such terrible, ugly things that nobody in their right minds would ever want.

I don’t actually believe a lot of those things but I like to sometimes just express those inner insecure and frustrated thoughts because they honestly do sound VERY ridiculous when you give them a voice. I think that sometimes our inner-most thoughts sound more serious and real when you don’t say them out loud but when you do say them out loud, they are more apt to sound feeble and ridiculous. So, I do it. I let it all out so I can laugh at myself and move on from those moments of frustration and self-doubt.

The fact is, I was on a hell of a creative streak for some time. Those waves are important to ride because when you have a moment of creative dryness, you can look back on all that you have accomplished and say: Okay, it’s time to take a break! Let’s reorganize. And then suddenly the well is full again and you can pull from it, one bucket at a time.

This weekend I finished two projects and began two more. So I’m back at it!

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Butterfly Vase/Utensil Holder —>

Metallic Bronze Lace and Abalone Shell Bottles —>

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Social Media – I feel like I’m talking into the abyss again.

In this age of constant contact, I find myself feeling lonelier than I ever have remembered feeling. Sometimes I feel like I’m yelling into a dark room or off of a ledge and I know there are people around, but no one hears me or sees me.

That feels like one of the saddest things I’ve ever written and it kind of is. I don’t think that social media is bringing people together. I think we’re all just standing and staring into an abyss, hoping for an echo.



I don’t remember ever really knowing what loneliness was like. I’ve been blessed that way; I don’t know if it’s just my personality or how I was raised but I’ve never felt like I needed too many people in my life. I am quite comfortable being on my own, in my own quiet, doing my own thing. Silence doesn’t make me uneasy. My mom is this way. She can sit for hours on the couch, crocheting a blanket while watching Netflix. I do not know how to crochet but I do a lot of crafting while watching Netflix by myself on the weekends. It has been my routine this winter. I’ve been such a hermit.

During some of my alone time though I find that there’s a pit growing of what I believe is loneliness. This feeling of knowing there are only a few people in my life who truly care and everyone else I’m exposed to has their eyes set on more glittery and flashy things. I’ve grown dull; I’ve grown quiet. I’ve grown stronger and calmer. The world around me has inflated, becoming not as important because of all the distractions it brings. Priorities shifted. Rules changed. Personal interactions minimized. People, things, emotions left behind because of this drive to keep pushing forward in a time where busy-ness and urgency is a sign of success.

I’m feeling a bit like the world is moving on with out me and I’m not changing with it, only because of it.



I don’t have to live yesterday again.

Bad days don’t have to be relived…that’s the best part about them. When a day is done you can’t go back and change anything about it. You don’t have to go through it again. The effects can linger, sure, but whatever heartbreak and anguish yesterday contained – that cherry can only be popped once. Then it just wedges its way into you, into your soul. Nestles there. One minute up, the next down. Disbelief. Anger. Worry. Stress. Sadness.

My mother has lung cancer. My father and I were told yesterday and we had to live with that knowledge for about 2 hours before my mom knew, as she was waking up from anesthesia and getting her bearings about her. To sit in her recovery room with her, having her say “I hope this takes care of it” (“it” being the reason why her right lung keeps collecting fluid), but knowing that no, it’s not taken care of. It’s worse. Far worse. My dad ended up breaking the news to her when I left to use the restroom because he couldn’t bear her rooting around with her hopes that it’s all over with when really we are beginning. We wanted to wait for the doctor to do it so that she could answer questions my mom would have but it was hard to carry the weight of knowing that what she likely has is treatable, but not curable, and will likely kill her no matter what we do.

The details as to the stage of the cancer, the exact type (the doctors do think it’s mesothelioma), is it in the left lung –  we don’t have these answers yet. We don’t have a game plan. We will hopefully know more over the next several days as the test results come back.

As my dad and I sat in the waiting room, fighting back tears, I wished I could have given him the chatterbox distraction he needed to bring him out of his own head but I couldn’t. My sister is good at that and when she arrived, she was able to give that to my mom and dad. I brood in silence, tending to feel the claws of sadness and stress wrap themselves around me, stifling my breath. I am not a happy distraction when things get tough. I’m the one silently wrapped up in planning for what’s next. Okay, how can we solve this? All right. What about this next step? Logical, until I’m in the shower by myself. Falling apart in the shower just feels right. I like to pretend that the misery is washing off of me, swirling down the drain and out and away. I’ve always done my best crying in the shower.

My dad and I aren’t holding on to that secret anymore; at least there’s that. My dad, sister, mom and I don’t need to relive what we went through yesterday. Today, we just have to live with and through it. 

My mother never smoked. Someone like her isn’t supposed to have lung cancer.

I expect I’ll be talking a lot about my mother in the days to come. She is insanely private so I will not share all of the details and it’ll be about my own memories and my own feelings as we move forward.

So not crushin’ it so far this month.

We’re just about halfway through February and February is so unlike January, I’m not even sure how it’s still the same year.

This time in January I was just about to my sales goal. This time in February I am only $11 in on my goal of $75. I’ve been less steady with my efforts and that is because I’m finding this month’s mantra of “FOCUS” (see blog post HERE) to be super hard.

Work has been very busy and so has life. I have an hour lunch break which I was using in January to market, use Pinterest, blog, etc. This month I’ve had to use my lunch break for different things – errands and various phone calls because adulting is annoying. I haven’t been able to carve out that time during lunch to take care of the things I was doing steadily in January.

On the home front, I’ve been busy with kids, busy with the gym, busy with chores…I can’t even say. But I do know that when Theresa and I are all done with the adult parts of every day life, we’re tired and laying in bed either mindlessly scrolling phones or sleeping.

It hasn’t all been boring though – I did read two books, finish Grace and Frankie all the way to the end of season 5 and commit to a Mother’s Day craft show in May. So that part of my February goal is done – finding a show to participate it. The “Hip and Happenin'” part I’m not entirely sure about. It’s a gamble of a show; it’s at a Health and Rehabilitation Center about an hour south of me and it’s their first time hosting it. Those are the down sides – the fact that it’s a bit farther away than I care for and it may not get a lot of traffic. The upside is that it’s an older crowd, so my glassware may be a hit. Also, it’s geared toward Mother’s Day and a lot of people gift flowers for Mother’s Day. The third bonus is that, given it’s an older audience, my mother’s afghans may sell very well because old people like cute homemade cozy items. I won’t make much from selling my mom’s afghans, maybe a few bucks a piece.

Related to February’s goal of being better at breakfast, I have been doing super well with that. All last week I enjoyed almond and coconut overnight oats, splurging twice so far this month on Eggo waffles for fun. Overall I’ve been much better about eating a healthier breakfast. Has it made a difference? Probably not yet, but each day I choose to do better is making me better in the long run. I would say I’m a pound down but I’m not even because the past few days have been super stressful and guess who’s been at the ice cream in the freezer?

If you guessed my dog, you’d be right, but I’d be a dirty, rotten liar to let you believe that.


So February isn’t as easy and rewarding as January was, but January’s “Stick With It” and this month’s goal to “Focus” just means I need to keep plugging along, doing the best I can. Life is full of distractions and goals can’t be reached every single month, but shit can still be learned and improvements can still be made.

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A dissatisfied day.

About midday yesterday, I was called with bad news. Because it involves my mom and dad and because they are private, I can’t really go into detail. Yesterday went from great to suckage though; that I’ll say. But it’s not permanent and nobody is dying.

This morning my alarm went off at 6 a.m., despite being sure I had set it for later. I was able to go back to sleep and woke up naturally in time to make it to my 10:30 hot yoga class. I was happy about that, but much like last Saturday, my day began taking a turn into unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

I wanted to settle into Netflix and a craft project but it became clear that it was going to be a day where nothing would actually be accomplished. Any technique I tried failed. Any vision I tried to put to glass turned out terrible. I found myself walking around in circles, unsure of what to do with myself and my hands, frigid from the cold basement where my craft room is.

How does one shake feelings of unrest and dissatisfaction?

By blogging about it, because we’ve all been there.

By taking another hot shower – a long, pampering one – pretending that it’s a restart to the day. I mean, who cares if it’s after 6 p.m….I’m going to do just that.

Tomorrow’s a fresh day.

Instead of blocking the bad, let the good radiate outward

I don’t know exactly how long it’s been since I’ve been off of my depression meds…at least 3 weeks at this point. I’m terrible with the passage of time – sometimes a week feels like a month and a half year seems like only yesterday.

About the time I stopped though I began taking a Vitamin D supplement, after reading that most of us are Vitamin D deficient. It honestly has been a huge game-changer for me, especially as I transitioned off of taking my meds. While I don’t always feel like an energizer bunny ~ life has its own stresses, after all ~ I definitely feel more happier, more capable and just overall better. 

I don’t feel like this dude below every single day:


What I am having a hard time doing is blocking out some negative vibes and bad feelings that are emanating from those around me. There are a lot of stressed out people in this world; a lot of angry, sad, conflicted people. There’s sometimes a lot of yelling in my house and it really affects my mental well-being. Yelling is a trigger of mine and it causes me to either shrink and hold my stress in my body or I freak out and lose control. Both reactions are equally awful and ugly.

At work today there was an undertone of discontent. I shut my office door, cranked my tunes to ignore that and the consistent cougher in the office next to me. I just tried to be in my own bubble, not letting the vibes get to me. But they always do eventually. And to come home to a stressed out fiancee is hard, too. It makes me just so tired and sad ~ I can’t help but feel like I’m soaking up all the negativity when literally nothing is going wrong.

Then as I was writing this blog, I was talking to my friend Leah and she said something about instead of letting the bad vibes affect me, how about letting my good vibes be absorbed by others…so, essentially, the opposite of what tends to happen. Let the positivity radiate outward and outshine the darkness. Much easier said than done though but I know when the world gets tough around me I tend to think about putting up my own sort of invisible force field to protect me, not so much thinking about the energy I can put forth out into the world that could potentially change the mood of what’s going on around me.

While today is just about over ~ I’m thinking of headed to bed early so I’m just going to let it all be where it’s at ~ maybe it’s something I can work on next time.


This vase is peaceful and full of calming vibes ~ and you can find it in my Etsy shop here –>

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