Looking back to, say, 15 years ago (let’s get real, I didn’t get my shit together until I was about 27 or 28) ~ I was loud and probably obnoxious to most people. I wore bright, flashy clothing and sky-high heels. (The more those heels resembled a pair a stripper might wear at work, the better!) I was rude, quite judgmental, and thought I knew everything. Everything about me was loud and screamed ignorance. One of the attorneys at my job, Claude, uses the word “vituperative” and that word not only sounds really awesome, it would be a word that would have accurately described me back in the day when I was apparently determined to be an asshat.
Fast forward ~ I’m 35 now. I’ve noticed some changes in me in the past number of years, especially the last two or three.
I prefer nights in over nights out. I don’t bother with most people beyond politeness. My circle of friends is tight-knit and small; I don’t mess with people who have ulterior motives or who simply speak to me out of convenience. My life is very busy and full but I’ve calmed down so much. My life has been revved up but I feel more at peace. My nails have chilled out, too, for example. I went from doing whatever I could to stand out cosmetically to wanting my personality and my talents speak for me instead.
I don’t need to be the center of attention. Honestly, I’d prefer not to be. I don’t need to carry the weight of a conversation ~ I’m comfortable with silence. I don’t need to force relationships with people and I find myself less emotionally tied up when things don’t go my way. Instead of feeling like I know it all, I feel like the older I get the less I really do know and what right do I have to pass a lot of judgment? I don’t need to always be connected to someone or something. It’s okay to “miss out”. I don’t need to absorb the baggage of another person’s emotional well-being and/or their behavior. I can’t control anyone else; I can only control me.
A place in the background feels honestly perfect. It’s a great spot to grab a bag of popcorn and watch others flit about, figuring their lives out. It’s the perfect spot to see who the loudest person is – because I know from experience – usually the loudest person in the room is the one who feels the most insecure.