I knew today I was going to be too much into my own head when, as soon as I woke up, I said to myself “I don’t want to go to the gym today”. This is my depression telling me to stay home and be anti-social. While this is okay to do sometimes, if I don’t have any real solid weekend plans this is the beginning of what can be a super long, lonely, and unsatisfying weekend.
So I let my brain chime in and guess who got up and went to the gym? This girl. While I missed the class I was aiming to get there for, I lifted weights on my own and it set me up for a great Saturday. On my way home from my workout, I called my best friend and we took our dogs for a walk, I did the mountain of dishes I said I was going to ignore (the dishwasher is here but not installed yet), picked up, did my laundry, and worked on another weird glass bottle project. Sometimes I have to kick my own ass into gear and not let the darkness do the talking. I’m don’t mean the darkness associated with depression but the literal darkness – the winter months in upstate NY when daylight feels too short – it’s exhausting and demotivating.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the cruise my fiancee and I have planned for June. That’s probably why the theme of the bottle is the way it is. I’m looking forward to getting away ~ no work, kids, pets, or responsibilities ~ for over a week. Cocktails, delicious food, seeing a different part of the world with the one you love; shittttttt, I love traveling. Every time I go somewhere different I get the travel-bug. The itch. Let’s live out of our backpacks and see everything.
Alas, that lifestyle isn’t realistic for us. We have a big home that we want to renovate room by room. Looking at it as a whole feels overwhelming sometimes. I wish I had the funds to do it all right now so it could be done. I realize now how easy I had it when I bought my first home – everything that was in there was picked out and put in. I didn’t inherit someone else’s problems. Someone else’s dying appliances and sneaky cardboard tiles above the shower. I love this home and we are committed to bringing it up to date and making it beautiful. It is a challenge that we can handle…but sometimes? Sometimes the idea of apartment living is just so attractive and simple, until I remember neighbors sharing my walls. No thanks. I’ll pass on that and the lack of freedom to customize my living space to express my personal style.
…and now I think the bottle has dried enough to continue to work on it. Back to my craft-cave I go.