Every few years, I feel compelled to shake up my life, leaving me feeling excited, anxious, stressed, hopeful. I don’t think I can be someone who lives a status-quo lifestyle for very long. Being stagnant scares me. “Is this it?” is a scary question for me.
I always want to grow. I want to figure things out as I go; skip the manual! I don’t really want to fail – but I do, often – and I learn.
I want to embrace exactly who I am and where I am, even if those things are awkward and uncomfortable. I want to be real, not the leftover shell of a person you may have known at one time.
Over the past couple of years I have grown accustomed to hiding and caring more about my appearance on social media than I’d like to admit. It’s crazy because whenever I’ve had something raw and honest to say, it has lead me to deeper connections with people. That’s exactly why I keep coming back to blogging – to connect. Sometimes I feel alone in a room full of people because of the experiences I’ve had, the heartbreak I’ve felt, the despair that bubbles up inside of me and comes out as anger, frustration, mania, and social awkwardness.
The thing is, my life isn’t bad at all. I’ve had bad times – maybe more, maybe less than others around me. Overall, I’ve had a very good and blessed life. Many troubles I have caused for myself by either caring too much or not caring at all. It’s never so-so with me, I’m either all in or I’m all out.
The problem is, I get distracted easily and forget or push off doing and focusing on the things that I want to get done. But I’m all in now; I want to do and say the things I want to in order to ~ grow ~ connect ~ indulge in what I want to at the time – pretentious writing, craft-talk, real life, and my existential crisis of the day.